International Adoption Book

Friday, June 6, 2008

Mommy, Who Is Your Biological Mommy?

Today was a very nice day. With C off to preschool and M enjoying a day of no school (a just have fun day for us), I was able to work a bit on my Parent Education classes.

Todays lesson was particularly interesting, though it was not new information for us. CCAI discussed the grieving process for adoptees (as well as for birth families and adoptive families). They suggested some ideas on how to help our children deal with the losses they feel in regards to a birth family. I particularly liked the idea of keeping a momento box... Something that each of our kids can hold and add to at any time in their lives. They can put in a drawing, a letter, or something that they would like to give to their birth family if they were ever able to locate them. I also liked the idea of starting a journal.

M, who was supposed to be napping during my lesson, overheard the speach. From the moment he got up from his nap until he finally settled down for bed time he has been trying our patience. He has been fighting with his sister and has been excessively argumentative. It took me a while to recognize what he was doing, but I firmly believe that he was acting out much of what he had listened to. The things he heard (in particular about the grief and loss his birth parents might be feeling about his loss) touched him.

M is a very sensitive child who feels others pain with deep empathy. So, this evening, after much arguing and screaming he finally came up to me and told me that he was feeling sad. When I asked him why he felt sad he was able to tell me that he missed his biological mommy and daddy. This is not a new conversation for us. We have this conversation with some regularity. But, as he gets older, M likes to make up stories and particularly tells me that he has forgotten his special ninja turtles video game at his biological mommy's house.

I've known all along that this is his way of expressing his grief. But, it wasn't until I listened to my lesson today that I finally understood that M needs to have this item in his biological mom's care and that it might be a symbol of the piece of his heart that she will forever hold. So, this evening, when he told me that he forgot the video game, I was able to tell M that I firmly believe his biological mommy would keep it safe as a symbol of the love she feels for her son and of the love that her son, M, feels for her. The look of peace that crossed his face as I told him this was all the confirmation I needed to know that this was exactly what he needed.

Once he get the peace he needed, curiosity took over and he began asking me questions about how I was born and who my biological mommy was. M understands that Nana is my mommy, but I cannot make him believe that she is also my biological mommy. He hears what I am saying, but firmly believes that each of us have TWO mommies! Oh well... One step at a time!!!

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